


hold on wait a minute, feel my heart's intention

by alqhacentauri



Category: Sierra Burgess Is a Loser (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, also plot fix fic bc.. this movie needed it, idk how the tagging system works lmao, jamey and dan r kinda a thing too, uhh spence is a huge dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 22:44:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alqhacentauri/pseuds/alqhacentauri
Summary: sierra's sad and gay for veronica, dan puts up with her bullshit. really like,, no plot but y'all are desperate for some content of this cute wlw couple so you'll take what u can get





	hold on wait a minute, feel my heart's intention

Sierra knew she shouldn't be doing this, knew all the potential ways she’d end up hurting this person who was making her feel so absolutely over-the-moon with, well, whatever it was she was feeling. Love? A crush? Simple infatuation? It didn't matter, he was making her happy, and the long-term results on his end would be her making him anywhere from a little betrayed to miserable. It wasn't a fair trade.

So, she decided to cut it off at “a little betrayed”. Jamey was hurt, as anyone would be, but he honestly took it pretty well, all things considered. And he wanted to still be friends, so Sierra was grateful for that at least.

Three weeks and a whole lot of emotional bonding later, Sierra was certain of two things. One, Jamey really, really liked her best friend. And two, her best friend was completely oblivious. So maybe her number ending up in Jamey’s hands was a preordained gift from God towards Dan’s sex life. He really needed some good dick to relieve that graduating-and-terrified stress. 

But even so, she couldn't help feeling a little forlorn. Falling into the beginnings of love was always fun, and having that cut short, necessary as it was, left her with a bitter resent for letting her heart dictate any of her decisions whatsoever. She made a steadfast decision to ignore all potential crushes until College. That way at least it'd be socially acceptable to drink the pain of love's woes away.

This decision only lasted so long however. Sierra wouldn't ever admit it, not even to herself, but she was a bit of a hopeless romantic. A boy or girl holding the door open for her would leave her blushing and giddy for five minutes at least. Especially if they smiled and made eye contact.

So yeah, she was like that. But where her romantic affections led her next would turn out to be an even bigger emotional pitfall than the time she didn't leave her house for four days because her pet fish died. She had been seven, admittedly. But still, four days of complete and total constant grieving over a fish she'd had for barely a year?

Anyways, this was worse than that. So much worse. Like, she'd had unattainable crushes before. Who hadn't? But this one was more than unattainable, it was inconceivable. Like, the fact that it even happened was a glitch in the universe.

Sierra Burgess had a head-over-heels crush on her school’s reigning queen bee, Veronica.

Now hold on, back things up for a second. This didn't happen out of nowhere. In fact, Sierra had sort of seen it coming. Just really wished it would go away. Like when you think you've got the sniffles but it disappears the next day. Unfortunately, Sierra was incredibly unlucky, because it didn't go away. It stayed. And it grew stronger with every minute they spent together.

The whole reason they were spending any time together was honestly a little cruel considering Sierra's current situation. Veronica needed to “get smarter” to win her ex back. And apparently Sierra's tutoring was just right for the job. So yeah, that stung a little. But Sierra was good at ignoring things that hurt. Bottling up her emotions and then burying them deep below the surface was a tried and true method she could deal with later in years of adult therapy.

Turns out, Veronica was actually a lot sadder than she let on, so obviously that tactic was working for her too. Or not, considering every other time Sierra comes over she's on the verge of tears while her siblings taunt and tease her. It's not a pretty sight, but of course, she always brushes it off and focuses on studying with Sierra. Because she's also a whole lot smarter than she lets on too. Sierra didn't think she really needed hardcore help. Spencer was just an asshole.

But an asshole Veronica loves instead of her. Well, actually, Veronica probably did love her now. In the totally platonic gal pal kind of way. They'd been best friends/emotional support buddies/tutor and student for a few months now. And Veronica had really grown up over the course of them talking. Sierra was proud of her, proud of how she wasn't afraid to walk school hallways at her side. She just wished they could be hand-in-hand too. Because god, Sierra was in love. If what happened with Jamey was the beginnings of love, then this was the full-blown real deal.

She spent hour after hour thinking about Veronica, about how soft her hair would feel in her hands (she knew she owned some fancy leave-in conditioner.) How gently she'd probably kiss, balm-coated lips against Sierra's own chapped ones. How smooth and delicate her skin had felt the one time she demanded Sierra feel after she waxed her legs. Because apparently she had it out for her. 

But fantasies could only satisfy for so long, and Sierra knew she had to do something about her feelings. She was terrified of lashing out at Veronica over something stupid with Spencer, or confessing everything while drunk out of her mind--that could happen. She did go to parties now that she was friends with Veronica.

So, she made up a plan. She'd confess to Veronica with a poem. The poem she was supposed to be writing the entire time this gay cluster-fuck went down. Her English teacher better be impressed. Maybe she'd even add points for “emotional vulnerability” and “new-found lesbianism”. Sierra snorted at the idea.

That was another thing, the sexuality crisis this all caused. She didn't think she was a lesbian, but the only girls she knew that kissed boys and other girls really only indulged in the wonders of women at parties, to impress dudes they liked. But there had to be a word for what she was. I mean, seriously. She couldn't be the first person to experience this.

“Maybe you are the first person.” Dan had suggested the first time she complained about it to him. “Maybe you're some kind of scientific abnormality. You can get rich and famous from that.”

Sierra had scoffed, but what if he was right? What if she was completely alone in this. One of a kind, and as a result, utterly isolated from how others experience attraction. God, sometimes she just wanted to be normal. 

 

The next week went by pretty smoothly, Sierra focused most of her spare time on writing. And god, it was so much easier to write a love song when you're actually in love. The words flow so smoothly, so easily. It's like she doesn't even have to think. The neatly knit metaphors and declarations of affections just write themselves.

Sierra decided she liked being in love, confusing as it was. Everything had so much more meaning, more light. Bunches of roses and cheerleader skirts could send her mind reeling just thinking about Veronica. Her Veronica. She'd called her “her Sierra”, it goes both ways, doesn't it?

She loved her. Love loved her. And she was going to make sure Veronica knew how much she could be loved with that poem. How special she really was. And maybe it'd even get Sierra the cute girlfriend she'd subconsciously always wanted. Maybe.

The poem was about halfway done by the end of the week, and Sierra couldn’t be more grateful. Although she didn’t have much trouble thinking of the actual first rough drafts, going over it and editing, rehashing, and fixing the flow was an incredibly stressful procedure. She needed it to be perfect. Perfect enough to impress Veronica.

She was pretty easily impressed when it came to any vaguely poetic pieces. She didn’t think she could write it, so of course she was impressed. But Sierra wanted her to like it for reasons more than just “wow, that’s smart”. She wanted to awaken the spark that Sierra felt the first time she read poetry. She wanted to write something Veronica could love, not just appreciate. 

Just as Sierra was about to add the finishing touches to the first half of the poem, she got a call from Dan. She snatched up the phone immediately. He rarely called her, usually only texted. That had to mean something was wrong.

“Dan? What happened?” 

The other end was silent except for Dan’s breathing. He sounded nervous. Like he was afraid to tell her something.

“Dan.”

“She got back with Spence, Sierra.”

The whole world went blank. Sierra’s chest tightened and her heart felt numb. She didn’t gasp, didn’t react. Didn’t even cry. She just stood there, speechless. She didn’t want to believe it, refused to.

“No, come on! That can’t be true, you’ve got to be wrong. He’s a total douchebag--” Sierra was cut off by Dan clearing his throat. God, he sounded miserable. He always hated being the bearer of bad news.

“Sier, I’m really sorry.” He said, his voice raspy and strained, like he was on the verge of tears. Sierra still couldn’t cry though. She didn't want to cry. If she cried that meant she’d believe it. Accept it.

“I love you Sier, seriously. If you need me to come over and like, go on a massive movie binge with you I can. Fuck homework.”

Sierra snorted, but she didn’t feel like laughing. She didn’t even know how she was laughing. It was more on instinct than anything else. Still, she agreed to Dan’s offer. It’d be a whole lot easier crying this off later when reality set in if Dan was there with her.

“You’re such a good friend.” She muttered, and the shakiness of her own voice surprised her. She sounded like a frightened child. Apparently reality was setting in quicker than expected.

But still, at least she had Dan. And he was at her house faster than she could even get ready, pulling on the oversized cable knit sweater she usually wore when she was sick. It was a comfort item, and Dan liked making fun of how it made her look like a grandma. Double win.

So the night was actually a whole lot more fun than Sierra would’ve expected it to be. Fun in the way that ignoring your problems always is. The joy of being completely negligent to recognizing that anything had even happened was like an adrenaline rush, and Sierra loved having company to support her potentially unhealthy coping mechanisms.

She was so thankful she had Dan.

The next morning is when shit went down. Waking up and realizing what had happened was like a reverse nightmare. She just wanted to go back to sleep. But it was a week day. Which meant she not only had to get up and go to school, but see Veronica, and face her gushing about her oh-so-cute College boyfriend. 

God, she fucking hated Spencer. And not just because he liked the same girl she liked. He was such a prick, he practically radiated skeezeball energy. She didn’t know what Veronica saw in him. If he tried to pull any shit and hurt her again, Sierra would actually bust his kneecaps. She was strong. She could do it.

English class was like a burning reminder of just how stupid she really was. Every time her teacher brought up her poem she felt like the biggest goddamn idiot on the planet, in the entire stratosphere. I mean, seriously? Planning on confessing with some lovey-dovey philosophical poem? And reading it in front of the whole class--come on! There’s no way that’d go down the way she wanted it to. At the very least Veronica would awkwardly accept her feelings, tell her how much she meant to her and all that fluffy comforting bullshit that just served as padding for a rejection. God, she was good at that. Good at letting people down gently. She was actually such a nice person after the cold self-defense exterior was broken down. Sierra hated how she was still so utterly proud of her. Captivated by her growth. It was so fucking unfair.

Her phone vibrated, and it was a text from Veronica. They always did that in class, stealing glances at each other, and giggling as they talked right underneath the teacher’s nose. She looked up, and could see Veronica smiling at her. The mix of bubbly warmth and bittersweet ache in her chest that pretty pink lipstick smile could give her was as confusing as she was. God, Veronica was like a whirlwind of some emotion Sierra couldn’t quite name. Maybe she’d base her poem on that feeling instead. Since she’d have to start over now anyways.

The text, thankfully, was not about Spencer. If it had been Sierra feared she might have actually slammed her head straight into her desk. It was just a cheery reminder to meet up in the bathroom after class. Complete with a friendly smiley face and painfully platonic usage of the pet name “cutie”. Why did the lines between friendship and romantic interest have to seem so painfully blurry when it came to girls? She wished there was some sort of guide book when it came to realizing whether or not your straight best friend was actually less straight than originally thought, and actually really liked you. At least that way she wouldn’t have ended up embarrassing herself like she did this time.

The bathroom meet up was, as always, full of homoerotic tension for Sierra, and full of nothing but giggly crush talk and philosophical musings for Veronica. She was really into Nietzsche lately, and Sierra couldn’t keep from smiling even in the midst of all the internal toil she was going through when Veronica was proud of herself for finally “getting” a concept that had confused her before. She was so smart. God, Sierra loved and hated this. It was like the worst roller coaster she’d ever been on, the kind that makes your legs feel like jello and your stomach churn.

Jamey had never been this intense. Nothing before had.

 

The next weeks went by like Sierra was watching a movie about her own life, she didn’t feel involved in what was happening around her. She could fake it easily. She laughed at parties Veronica invited her to, and cried at sad movies she and Dan--and now, Jamey--watched together. But really, she just felt numb. Incredibly, disturbingly numb. Nothing seemed to have purpose behind it. Like she was just walking through life like a ghost, not fully there. It was a whole lot of drama over one fucking girl, but that didn’t mean Sierra could stop herself from feeling like this. Even when she knew it was ridiculous.

Her mother didn’t seem to think it was ridiculous whatsoever. In fact, she gave Sierra a whole lesson on self-love in times of romantic crisis, and how to still feel worthy of good things when your object of affection doesn’t like you back. She appreciated it, but all in all, it just came off kind of stilted and awkward considering how Sierra didn’t feel unworthy. She just didn’t feel at all. And that sucked. She hated being so detached.

Still, at least she had the comfort of knowing she was loved by her family. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Veronica. All that stress culminating just from home life. All the pressure. She hated knowing that that’s what the person she loved was going through every time she left school.

“Sierra? You doing alright?”

It was Dan. She’d zoned out in the middle of slasher movies night. He looked so concerned, so confused for her sake, that for the first time in three weeks, she cried. Hard. 

And god, if crying in front of your best friend wasn’t embarrassing enough, Dan’s parents were home too. She had to try to keep it down to avoid a loving lecture on how smart she was, such a good student and person from Dan’s mom. She was really sweet, but Sierra just wasn’t in the mood for being comforted by adults right now. Wasn’t in the mood for that saccharine undertone of “It’s okay, I went through everything you’re going through, none of this matters in the long run.” It felt too dismissive. It did matter in the long run. Sierra wanted Veronica to be a part of her long run. Why didn’t they understand?

Still, Dan was good consolation. He let Sierra stay the night, making up an excuse about a joint assignment for school when his parents asked. She was so fucking grateful for him. They built a pillow fort together, complete with fuzzy blankets and Dan’s old childhood toys. He threw an especially soft stuffed bear to her, and shuffled up closer to her underneath a blanket, the two of them lying back and continuing to watch slasher films together on his phone.

The best part, Sierra realized a few movies in, was that she was feeling again. Yeah, her feelings were a complete mess of sadness and anger and confusion--but she could feel them. She’d never been so thankful for a good cry before.

So, things were okay again. They weren't good, weren't great, not anywhere close to how amazing they'd been before. But they were okay, and Sierra was more than happy to be okay. She'd take what she could get. And this was enough for right now. She'd move on, find a new romantic interest--

At least that's what she'd thought. Turns out, just as she was ready to fully accept the situation at hand, Veronica texted her begging to call. It was an emergency, she said. And somehow, Sierra knew what had happened before she even told her. Before she even picked up her phone.

They broke up. Again. And this time it was official. Veronica decided she was done with his bullshit, it was actually her who split things off. She dumped him over text, and Sierra couldn't help but feel a little proud of such a sweet revenge. She loved when her Ronnie took control and did what was best for herself. What a fucking queen.

“Ugh, thank you so much for listening Sier, I love you, seriously.” Veronica said, her voice cracking on a yawn after she spoke. She was so cute.

“Love you too, you want me to come over?”

“Maybe. Bring your book on Plato if you can. I wanna get my mind off of Spence.”

Sierra was more than happy to oblige.

So maybe things weren't too bad, maybe she even had a chance with the love of her life now. Of course, she wasn't going to just dive in and lay on the flirtatious divisiveness right after Veronica just broke up. No, she was more focused on being there for her friend than anything else. That's what really mattered. But still. She had a chance, and a chance was better than nothing.

Things were looking up for Sierra Burgess.

**Author's Note:**

> hi uuh if you enjoyed this ty! i'm kinda shy abt my writing but i rlly wanted to post so tysm,, my tumblr is @philussy but it's a phannie blog so like be warned lmao


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